Pandora's Box Of Cheap Tricks

Avatar's beguiling CGI takes you on a visually sumptious Big One style rollercoaster ride, but unfortunately not the rollercoaster of emotions oft quoted by X-Factor contestants. Nestle into your luxury padded cinema seat, don the NHS 3D glasses and hold-on as you are sucked-into a wild computer game adventure, with one large popcorn bag between three also doubling as an in-flight sick bag. Two and a half hours or so later you stand up a little dizzy and go about your business untroubled by the experience.

It might look like a heady multi-coloured cocktail with paper umbrella and cherry on top, but on tasting seems to have been mixed with flat cola, Sunny Delight and lumps of sugar. I don't think I've ever seen so much money, so-called talent and technology put into such a melange of cheap off-cuts from a million previous plotlines. It's as if James Cameron stumbled drunk one night upon A Man Called Horse broke the window, hot-wired it then careered down the yellow brick road, crashing into Apocalypse Now whilst overtaking The Lion King rubber-necking Apocalypto and being chased by Narnia. Oh yes, and why do all the jungle people all act like they just spent 6 weeks in the 'hood learning the body language and dialogue, all that was missing was the phrase 'talk to the hand'. As for the heavy handed eco message, pur-lease.